Here’s the Problem

No one is perfect; we all have weaknesses in character, flaws in personality and failings in performance. For these people, tolerance, feedback, acceptance and appropriate challenge is the way to go. And we recognise that we too are weak, flawed, fail, and need support, challenge, tolerance and acceptance!

But some people are dangerously manipulative and potentially destructive.  They are unlikely to change, ever; if they do, it will not be through your good intentions or even unconditional love.

How do you tell the difference?

Here’s the Exercise

I have set up a little ‘case study’ method to use for someone you’re worried by. Give yourself an hour or so alone (or with a fellow sufferer) and run through these questions. Thinking over as many experiences with this person as you can bring to mind, ask of all your encounters:

1. What felt good?
2. What felt bad?
3. What was a red flag, possible indicator or ‘tell’, like a poker ‘tell’ or giveaway?
4. What tactics did she or he use?
5. What personality or character traits did he or she display, what values or desires, what weaknesses or vulnerabilities of his or her own?
6. Things he or she said & did, particular incidents – anything that strikes you or comes to mind, no matter how small or trivial it may seem

You’ll go on to analyse your answers and draw some really valuable learning from this.

Here are some real-life examples from people I’ve coached:

What felt good

• He promised me some help and resources I badly needed
• He paid me lots of compliments that were so perceptive, as if he really appreciated the same things
• She enthusiastically agreed with me on so many things, we seemed to share all the same opinions and values. She felt like the perfect friend

What felt bad

• I felt a real sense of unease although I never could identify something going on, I felt almost paranoid.
• The way he spoke about his wife. It was about her appearance, and other ‘external’ qualities. She sounded more like a mark of status than a person he loved.
• The way she gave me ‘feedback’ felt like more of a character assassination. Not pointing out how something could be done better, but portraying me as if I was fundamentally unethical.
• The way that questions get fired at me feels like bullying, even if the content is relevant. He does it in meetings in front of other people and it always seems to be me. It’s hard to explain why I feel intimidated by it.
• He behaves differently to me when other men aren’t around. Even if he isn’t directly flirting with me, it’s like there are undertones.

What was a red flag, possible indicator or ‘tell’ (like a poker ‘tell’ or giveaway)

• Little ‘witch’ messages about others – but often put with a face of concern, like ‘I’m really worried about X, did you know that she…?’
• Other people raised little warning flags about things behind my back, but who do you believe?
• My relationships with other people in the group seemed to deteriorate slightly or go slightly sour for no reason
• Shows no sign of guilt or remorse over things – either minimises it or shrugs it off. Can’t even say, ‘Oh, I’m sorry about that! I didn’t mean it.’
• Under the guise of ‘giving feedback’ he will ambush someone with a very harsh criticism and they feel attacked.
• I have been losing confidence, am more depressed, feel uneasy, start to feel like I need to ask permission of her (she’s my subordinate) or get her approval before making a decision

What tactics did she or he use? Some common tactics:

• Lying and denial
• Praise, flattery, buttering up
• Playing the victim of his victims
• Demands for attention and praise (coupled by complaints if she doesn’t get enough)
• Preying on someone’s weaknesses, their desire for love and approval, their lack of self-esteem
• Poison praise: undermining esteem with praise, like ‘I’m the only one who values you’
• Talking at length while evading the question – you need a clear explanation; half an hour later they’ve talked your ear off and you’re desperate to end the conversation. Then you realise they never answered your important question

What personality or character traits did he or she display? Some common ones:

• Dishonest but very hard to tell – seems to be very good at lying while looking innocent and believable.
• Can be very charming
• Hostility to other people, more aggressive than others are towards the same person
• Gets other people in trouble but escapes trouble himself
• There’s no pleasing her. Even if she attacks you for not doing something, if you then do it to make her happy, she attacks you for doing it.
• Their victim is somehow turned into the bad guy, and she/he is the victim instead of the perpetrator
• Hates to submit to anything – even if she hides it well, secretly seems to resent normal performance reviews, or being held to any standard of behaviour that she has to be subjected to (along with everyone else)

In the next post, you’ll begin to analyse what you’ve uncovered in this exercise.

Back to the Dangerously Difficult People series.